I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
