U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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