My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
