i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
