i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
