you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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