im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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