i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
