i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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