Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
