an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
