I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
