think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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