Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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