btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ladies don't puke and tell
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
