i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
