also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In other news, I just burned my penis
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
