So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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