So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
