I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
