I wish I could teleport
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
soo... how was my night?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
