Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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