The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
