evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
