i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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