literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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