Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
