so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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