we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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