she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
