actually, I'm a sock model
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
