I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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