Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
