i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
