Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
