Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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