o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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