He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Text me some of your sweat
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
