my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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