His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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