your room smells of hookers.
And success
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
