WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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