DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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