fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
