The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
