I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
