well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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