she woke up with a sticky ear
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
