I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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