I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
