so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
