Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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