We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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