he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
